mirage at iriki

an apology

Dear …., this is a letter of apology for the ugliness that happened on Friday night. I am sorry for the late contact – I am still very shocked and I feel like something has died in me, I feel numb. I don’t remember half of it to be honest and I hope I will forget it very quickly and I wish you also will. I just think it is some pure madness.

I am not taking all the blame - I still don’t understand how you thought it is OK to remove my glasses and not give it back to me. I thought it was sexist and bizarre, as I can’t see anything without them, even if you prefer me without them.  Or let a child hear our argument when I asked you to come downstairs. But the biggest thing that upset me was hearing you say ‘let him get this one first’ - when referring to the future wife of your brother.

I am sorry I tried to be culturally understanding but there are some things I will never understand - legally acceptable polygamy in your part of the world, for example. I am not asking for things to go back to where they were – I know they never will but I just want to tell you what I know and I want you to be at peace with yourself in the future. Because forgiveness and understanding is the key to inner happiness. I don’t want you to have some inner sorrow or hate in your heart forever.

I know you wanted me to accept your culture – and yes I do, I really do and I respect it – but when I saw it so close to me, to my own family, I got scared. I don’t want to be an oppressed woman, scared, with no rights, unequal. I hoped that you would also be more understanding of my western culture and accept and love me the way I am – not trying to change me or shape me into some ideal woman with your demands. I hoped I wouldn’t need to lie to you and to pretend to be someone I am really not. I hoped you would give me some freedom, some equality. I hoped that one day you would think like English, in some ways, just as I want a part of me to become Arabic. But you are too set in your ways, you don’t seem to want to adapt. To be someone different than what you are in Kuwait. And I think I adapted a lot but some small part of me still wants to remain myself and I am not going to give it up. I can’t loose myself completely, I can’t betray myself to this extent.

Anyway, I want you to know two things – 1). I didn’t mean the things I said in anger – you know what I am talking about here. I tried to be mean and horrible and ugly on purpose – you hurt me so much. 2). I still love you and I always will. Because …., you were wrong in one thing – this is when I understood that you have never actually loved me for real – when you said: I loved you so much, in the past tense. Because real love never ends and you love the person for what they are – vulnerable, swearing, rude, stupid, possessive, macho – and not some idealised pure version of them, your own fantasy. You can’t just switch real love on and off in one second. But loving someone doesn’t mean being with them – if it is not possible, not acceptable, if it is too painful, it is not possible. I hope that we will both learn from this experience how to be tolerant in the future.

I just wish things were different, I am very disappointed because yes I was really happy with you, despite the fact that you so cruelly hurt me on purpose so often. It came as a shock to me – that horrible night. I thought we had a future together. But I don’t think I can be with anyone at the moment, I have a big internal pain to do with my past and I can’t calm down until I resolve it or have someone help me – that may be never. In some moments you seem to intensify my internal suffering (are you blind to them or do you just want spiteful revenge?) and I want to be happy.

What else. Good luck. I hope you will find the one that will love you and always treat you with respect. I love you but I can’t respect the fact that you think it is OK to be polygamous. And I never will. I just have seen too much pain because of that. So I prefer to be dead, feelingless. Forgive me. Seriously, good luck. I think of you and I wish you the best. Maybe in some beautiful alternative reality we are still together. Maybe I will write a book about that reality. Who knows where we will end up? It is great not knowing, isn’t it? Anything is possible. Bye.